Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
