How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
