He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
