NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
