so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
