My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
