All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
