she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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