I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
