I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
