I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
