shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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