i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
