You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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