I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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