I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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