you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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