she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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