tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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