nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
