I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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