I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
