I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
