i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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