4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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