I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
