last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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