I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
