non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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