Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
a search helicopter?!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
