barbara walters just said penis...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
