Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
