my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
