i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
