I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
