hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
