Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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