does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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