Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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