I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
