Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
