i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
