literally had 100 drinks last night.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
