You made me cry and you don't even care
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
