Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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