farters have to be the big spoon...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
