i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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