I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
