did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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