if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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