mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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