if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm having to shit out rocks
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